I Feel a Role

I feel a role coming on-
I know them from old.
Learn the jargon; follow the script-
Wear the costumes!
All the world’s a stage:
Strutting and fretting-
Is this spiral who I am?
Identity.

I feel a role coming on-
Connections with others:
sister, daughter, cousin, friend-
Relating, sharing- I am learning
stories of living- expectations, control.
then and now- near and far-labels
Who do you want me to be?
Identity

I feel a role coming on-
Being responsible for my life:
What matters to me? My song
and dance- what will I do with words?
Explore inner and outer realities-
align, design- community, solitude
Becoming who I am!
Identity

I feel a role coming on-
Borderlands living:
Past, present and future speak to
my essential self who creates with embodied gifts.
Conversations to share wisdom; storyteller: writing of life
Performance: singing and dancing to my songs, others’.
Heart and soul: what wants to happen?
Identity

Vocabulary on my pilgrim’s path:
acknowledge, awareness, gratitude, forgiveness, memory, transitions, imagination, emotions, powerful, potential, courage, vulnerability, rhythm, routine, rut, challenge, opportunity, envision, belief, learning to pay attention, integration, trust

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Courage

Earlier this year I attended an all day session with the poet, David Whyte. The subject of his talk: ‘half a shade braver’. He spoke of the  courage to live my life: willingness to be vulnerable, to inhabit my life rather than haunt it, to be hospitable to the stranger in me. Many questions accompany me as I continue:

  • What conversation am I prepared to let go?
  • What do I really want?
  • How do I find me?

A little later, I found a book by Brene Brown – Rising Strong.  This book, and others she has written, speak of a willingness to be vulnerable  as essential to living a full life: that courage, compassion and connection are first- being kind to myself as I contemplate changes in my life. If I am willing to lean into  some discomfort, I will inhabit my authentic self on my journey to wholeness.  Of course, there are many questions…all leading to living a larger life, listening to my heart, being truthful- no more pretense.

Since then, a murder mystery with a quote from CS Lewis:

I have come home at last! This is my real country. I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now…come further up, come further in!

And, another book – the author uses this same invitation in connection with some intense action and its aftermath…and a song, a Ginette Reno lyric:

un peu plus haut – a little higher
un peu plus loin -a little further

Alan Seale speaks of breaking open, of creating the conditions to deepen my awareness and wonder about my learning curve as I contemplate:

  • What wants to happen?
  • Who’s that asking me to be?
  • What’s that asking me to do?

All of these authors offer both a challenge and an opportunity to explore conversations I have had with myself. My observations? In my next blog.

 

Noticing

Sun,light
Shade,shadow
Their games color our world:
hide and seek.One controls?
They are interdependent
Companions.

Sun:
shines brightly-
warms the earth, the air,
our bodies.
Angles its way into our lives
S/he is an artist at play.

On an expanse of watery blue-
diamond sunspots dot the surface and
reflect,refract the light.
Beauty. Light dapples the pavement, all
surfaces with shapes- shadow joins hands
with sun. The natural world on display…
Art for all to appreciate.

Shadow shapes abound.
Shapeshifting with time of day
and conversation with clouds.
Light and shadow on the surface of a leaf.
Shade offers relief from sun’s intensity.
Shadows seize the opportunity
to quietly shape and reshape the landscape.
Texture.Design.Opportunity.

Light and shadow inhabit my life.
Gifts.Yin and yang…
Wonder and realized patterns-
Joy and sorrow; acquiring and letting go:
Embedded,co-existing-
Emotions energize my experiences
Of circumstances. Point of view? Light and shadow!
Action and reaction on the same field.
I: benignly cast a shadow,have a vocal interior shadow self-
While the light of love and hope beckons
and fills me, my shadow self reminds:
anxiety has a role to play in the shapes of my life.
I listen…stories are imagined and created.
The art of the word…the play of light and shadow.

I acknowledge both selves;compassion allows me
to invite conversation and creation
into my life.With my light and shadow’s potential:
the art of living my life is savoring interaction…
My human nature has courageous space for us all.

Row Row Row Your Boat…revised

I am rowing MY boat. It has always been tempting and safe to be a passenger on someone else’s craft and to sing their song…with a certain panache, of course. These days, I am rowing MY boat of words and ideas of living well in the second half of life. My craft is sleek: I have let go of patterns that no longer serve me to let something new begin. I am supporting others to live their best life and to plan for a future of their own design. While I am aware that my boat is colourful and unique, as is its path, I am part of a flotilla of  boats whose rowers maneuver courageously  through the aging process, aware of their surroundings and allowing their dreams and passions to power them forward. Come along.

GENTLY down the stream

I know/knew I’m alive because I am working. My avatar kept me busy, often with several responsibilities to juggle. This approach allowed but it also constrained…defined me.  Compassionately and courageously, ‘gently’ has been my learning about self-love and caring: what matters to me. Along my inner journey stream, I am getting to know myself beyond the noiseless return of memory/ silos, towards the wholeness of acknowledging  my accomplishments and living my purpose in the world.  Conscious aging invites my voice to express itself. My creative imaginings arise from looking within; magical stillness allows me to listen to the stirrings of my heart and soul. In my quest to live my own life: I allow my world to unfold,am learning to recognize my gifts and indulge in their envisioned expression. Their strength and opportunity enhance my connections in the world. Reflect! Reconnect! Renew! My interconnections with the worlds within me and beyond this earth plane. Living large! The tough marshmallow.

MERRILY, merrily, merrily, merrily

I am enough! This realization has allowed me to find joy in past events and  current circumstances of my life. Others’ expectations are just that, theirs. ‘Merrily’ invites me to celebrate my life: the deepening understanding of my identity and loving who I am- ‘from addictions to flow’: an eternal healing and awareness . My wellbeing inspires an emotional response, wrapped in costume and engaging my body and soul in expressions of potential and creation. As my performer self plays, it becomes a catalyst; my soul responds, opening me to explore meaning in my life through modal musical foundations- singing, and dancing to rhythms- the sounds of love. My conversation with my life continues through my writing- about my life and connections with the world through a lens of awakened possibility. Whatever form this belonging takes: the magic of sharing my worlds and ideas with others is opening me to living consciously as I age. My creator self enlarges this conversation of Conscious Aging through designing and facilitating vehicles for conversation to support groups and individuals. Building community. Dream weaving. Living well through transitions. The caress of enhanced relationships with family, and friends old and new, nourishes me: encourages me to express my feelings and allows me to question- what wants to happen? How can I be of service?  I have written- ‘The answers lie within me; knowing I am all there is.’ Changeless and changing, with gratitude in my heart, I am a pilgrim, wandering along the pilgrim path of my life. Identity. Meaning. Purpose. Love.

LIFE IS BUT A  DREAM

Dreaming my life into existence- I am a spiritual being having a human experience(Beckwith) ; my ‘local self’ is but a part of my larger self connected beyond this lifetime and this time and space.In fact, I can sometimes feel that larger presence as I go about my day. I believe that some of my traits have existed over lifetimes- part of my life purpose in this earth plane is to heal old wounds and to feel the freedom of living. Living in light and knowing I am love meets resistance from my ego self who prefers the status quo- with illness and a passive response to life as gatekeepers.  However, I am learning to dream in this lifetime, to feel the power of desire and to marry it with my gifts and talents.  I am not alone; listening to my heart and soul, my intuition and connections with all that is allows me to rehabilitate my emotional self and to speak with one voice; to know myself as a feeling being and to express emotions, beyond fear, connected to circumstances – I am powerful and want my reality to engage with my Self in a co-creative awareness. My pilgrim path through this lifetime allows for recognizing endings and beginnings: the ‘always in the never’ that I can meet with courage and an emerging confidence. My vision for this lifetime unfolds.

Frontiers- question #3

Question: Am I living on the frontier of my life?

Looking at the landscape with new eyes:

I seem to be experiencing internal collisions these days…the old order and newer possibilities, ego and soul conversations. I know I wrote before of body as battleground, but I would not use that terminology now. An excerpt from my journal:

I just need to pay attention(mindful is the word). Putting myself first(self- care is the word)…learning how to look and feel differnet. It is harder to come my way as I am looking outward still for worthiness. My inner landscape is open for occasional tours and dispensation is sought for further exploration. Some roads have been cleared and habitation is possible. There are signposts and the spiral pathways of life have me retracing my steps…that has led to increased understanding- like the board game(Snakes and Ladders)- to move forward to the next challenge. Sometimes those challenges come in waves and I must rest for a few days to explore what they are here to teach me.Eventually I will embark on the next leg of my journey. I have reclaimed a lot of land from my background and am living somewhat differently now. It has meant a new language and culture – learning how to venture into new territory: safety and risk are learning to co-exist. Artifacts abound but I can see more clearly than ever before.

MY journey is unique- each person’s is; however, my decorations and historical routes will will have some similarity to others and are worthy of discussion if we are going to be a community.I am pleased to be making this journey even though I get frustrated. Some parts are more like climbing mountain ranges and others provide more warmth and support than I could have believed. I have longed to find more cleared land and to construct new habitation, even new journeys; I am now understanding that ‘getting there’ is not going to happen. The most I can hope for is a better relationship between my ego and soul and to live past and present simultaneously. What about joy? Bliss?

I am learning that the pilgrimage of my life has many facets and I do not want to skip steps or rely on a guided tour. The voyage has scary moments- both reflective understandings and ventures into uncharted territory- but this path is also reminding me of my worth and value as I make the trip. I will be fine as I continue. The dance steps allow for my integration into the new culture

I wonder what can be next.

Quest-ion #2

WAI SmallWhat do I call myself?

I am a woman. Scorpio is my Zodiac sign. Dog is my Chinese Zodiac sign

I am a wanderer – never more content than when exploring new territory, be it geography or ideas. Stories or artifacts. Inner journeys or outer realities. I am at home wherever I am; I always want to discover what’s out there/in there. I  will integrate new ways of being, thinking but I am happier when I am moving. As  a spiritual seeker, my soul speaks and my heart opens  as I better understand my path in this world. Small wonder my logo contains a bird.

I am a performer- have had many roles in my life and often  tried to conform to expectations of these parts: sister, daughter, cousin, teacher, leader, friend. I am a lover of costume and wrap myself in colour:scarves and hats. Music animates my life…singing in groups or solo- my goal is to be on a stage: singing my own songs or speaking about living well in the second half of life. Ecstatic dance beckons- moving my body reminds me I exist beyond my head. I have a ‘rolodex’ of voices to add texture to any piece. Soon,you will find me’ exposing myself’ – secret no more.

I am creative- of course we all have that gift hardwired in us. What courses through my veins- words. They are my medium: I paint the landscape of my life with them. I am a writer who allows words to inhabit my world and to provide a vehicle to share that world with others.  Others’ words help me to understand my journey. Love is not too strong a word.

I love conversations: with friends to share notes on living in this world;  as a leader- creating and organizing time and space for groups large and small; as a facilitator- creating context for increased awareness of possibility; with myself- a thinker who is increasingly able to make connections and listen to the voice of my intuition. Sophie lives!

‘I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me’. RLS

. the world of emotion and passion has always be a bit of a foreign ‘clime’. I am learning to be less controlled in my response to life and to claim joy  over fear.

. I am reclaiming my power and learning the benefits of self-care. Who I am/ think I am has changed!!

Finally…

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself Beloved on the Earth. Raymond Carver

Quest-ions

Questions!

Authors and speakers are asking us to reflect on our own lives and respond with what is true for us. I am here to tell you..this approach has unsettled me. I want to read or listen, collect a quote or two, and carry on with my life with a degree of complacency. Over time I have thought about change and renewed desire to be out in the world. I have acknowledged my inner journey and have written about the artifacts I have found along the way. I want to celebrate how far I have come in understanding myself in the world.

There is more! These questions reverberate within me and ensure that I engage with my own securities,hesitancies and past practices. If David Whyte is right and we are a conversation between the past and the future, there is a lot up for discussion. For a person used to deferring to others, this approach sometimes feels like assault;it is truly the frontier of my life. I cannot take myself for granted. New territory is opening up: some familiar landmarks jostle with new ideas of self-care and options. My life is not a script or a recipe. Conscious aging asks more of me: to consider more, to engage differently with the world, to dream..one author put it..to engage MY ‘want’ muscles.What is beyond door#3?

The questions invite me to explore my own responses…part of a self-care regime. My reflections won’t be found in a tube or a formula! So:

Yesterday, I was clever and wanting to change the world. Today I am wise and want to change myself.Rumi