I Feel a Role

I feel a role coming on-
I know them from old.
Learn the jargon; follow the script-
Wear the costumes!
All the world’s a stage:
Strutting and fretting-
Is this spiral who I am?
Identity.

I feel a role coming on-
Connections with others:
sister, daughter, cousin, friend-
Relating, sharing- I am learning
stories of living- expectations, control.
then and now- near and far-labels
Who do you want me to be?
Identity

I feel a role coming on-
Being responsible for my life:
What matters to me? My song
and dance- what will I do with words?
Explore inner and outer realities-
align, design- community, solitude
Becoming who I am!
Identity

I feel a role coming on-
Borderlands living:
Past, present and future speak to
my essential self who creates with embodied gifts.
Conversations to share wisdom; storyteller: writing of life
Performance: singing and dancing to my songs, others’.
Heart and soul: what wants to happen?
Identity

Vocabulary on my pilgrim’s path:
acknowledge, awareness, gratitude, forgiveness, memory, transitions, imagination, emotions, powerful, potential, courage, vulnerability, rhythm, routine, rut, challenge, opportunity, envision, belief, learning to pay attention, integration, trust

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Inch by inch; row by row…

Taking a step-
How will I feel?
What will it look like?
Who will notice?
What if…
One step is not a pattern.
Courage.

Taking another step-
Feeling nervous:
doing it anyway.
Familiar: beginning of un
Towards…and letting go of!
Desire and design hold hands.
I am holding my breath.
Vulnerable.

Beginning and becoming unfold,
Living through my senses:
I am new and renewed.
The music of my life flows
from Source. Heart and soul are
engaged in this enterprise that
reflects my experience,
changes my circumstances.
Feeling more confident.
Awareness.

Out there in the world
I am sharing my natural gifts
out loud.I am feeling some resistance.
Both successes and learning opportunities
are mine!I can make a difference.
I am learning!
I am feeling!
I am creating!
I am breathing!
I am expanding.
Conscious living invites deeper relationships
with myself…other.
Wonder.

Coda

Onwards and upwards; outwards and inwards
She travels.
Learning,living,loving…
Trusting, believing in, grateful for
Her pilgrim life.

Vulnerable…

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability and authenticity. Brene Brown

Vulnerable is the only way we can feel when we truly share the art we’ve made. When we share it, when we connect, we have shifted all the power, naked in front of the person…we have no excuses…nothing to protect us. And that is part of our gift. Seth Godin

Vulnerability is the underlying, ever present and abiding undercurrent of our natural state. D. Whyte

I’ve just read two blogposts; each author/poster describe circumstances that caused them to feel vulnerable and that they allowed themselves to feel in that state. Where there was avoidance was in the response of those who viewed this vulnerability as negative. In the other case, this admission created opportunities for others to offer support and kindness. In those posts, I found myself reflecting on feeling vulnerable in my life.

Long ago,a child I knew announced:’I’m a very big girl and I can do it myself!’ Was there a lesson from her family? Or was she seeking independence? Or….

Time was –

numb, pretend, perfect
were good words – valued
in my world. Oiled the spiral of my life:
provided a framework for safety.I was fine.
I did not risk much-
besides slices of adventure away from routine.
Emotions and passions were in abeyance.
What else was there in life?
Could it be I was avoiding feeling vulnerable?
Changing costume but not feeling bone structure?

Retirement’s doors and windows offered
Endings and beginnings…
This time in between is for exploring.
Along my inner journey
I tried to continue habits, patterns: no peace.
So…step off the merry round
to find what has fostered my separation
from my life.Who am I?
Deepening awareness of old patterns as scaffold revealed:
some no longer serve me. What do I value?
Without roles,I can dismantle the facades-
Keep the fire- of belonging beyond my paper doll self.
I feel vulnerable at every turn; aging,loss, wondering…
I have calibrated my responses
to people and situations. I have been haunting my life.
What do I really want?
Beyond echoes…

These days-

allow, courage, gratitude
These ideas support me as I learn to live my life.
Beyond circumstances,I belong in the world.
No longer exiled and/or imprisoned-
I am walking along my pilgrim path
towards the truth of me.
How will I inhabit my life fully?
The answers lie within me- I have written.
I am enough. Wondering about emotions?
Felt and expressed:beyond fear and anger as cover-
I am learning about feeling vulnerable…
and what was living beneath my armor. Love.Joy.
Hearing my voice in the world,I feel more powerful.
I find courage to risk… the ebb and flow
of doing and being is mending my fractured parts.
With wholeness- not hiding my desires, I create.
I am grateful.

Row Row Row Your Boat…revised

I am rowing MY boat. It has always been tempting and safe to be a passenger on someone else’s craft and to sing their song…with a certain panache, of course. These days, I am rowing MY boat of words and ideas of living well in the second half of life. My craft is sleek: I have let go of patterns that no longer serve me to let something new begin. I am supporting others to live their best life and to plan for a future of their own design. While I am aware that my boat is colourful and unique, as is its path, I am part of a flotilla of  boats whose rowers maneuver courageously  through the aging process, aware of their surroundings and allowing their dreams and passions to power them forward. Come along.

GENTLY down the stream

I know/knew I’m alive because I am working. My avatar kept me busy, often with several responsibilities to juggle. This approach allowed but it also constrained…defined me.  Compassionately and courageously, ‘gently’ has been my learning about self-love and caring: what matters to me. Along my inner journey stream, I am getting to know myself beyond the noiseless return of memory/ silos, towards the wholeness of acknowledging  my accomplishments and living my purpose in the world.  Conscious aging invites my voice to express itself. My creative imaginings arise from looking within; magical stillness allows me to listen to the stirrings of my heart and soul. In my quest to live my own life: I allow my world to unfold,am learning to recognize my gifts and indulge in their envisioned expression. Their strength and opportunity enhance my connections in the world. Reflect! Reconnect! Renew! My interconnections with the worlds within me and beyond this earth plane. Living large! The tough marshmallow.

MERRILY, merrily, merrily, merrily

I am enough! This realization has allowed me to find joy in past events and  current circumstances of my life. Others’ expectations are just that, theirs. ‘Merrily’ invites me to celebrate my life: the deepening understanding of my identity and loving who I am- ‘from addictions to flow’: an eternal healing and awareness . My wellbeing inspires an emotional response, wrapped in costume and engaging my body and soul in expressions of potential and creation. As my performer self plays, it becomes a catalyst; my soul responds, opening me to explore meaning in my life through modal musical foundations- singing, and dancing to rhythms- the sounds of love. My conversation with my life continues through my writing- about my life and connections with the world through a lens of awakened possibility. Whatever form this belonging takes: the magic of sharing my worlds and ideas with others is opening me to living consciously as I age. My creator self enlarges this conversation of Conscious Aging through designing and facilitating vehicles for conversation to support groups and individuals. Building community. Dream weaving. Living well through transitions. The caress of enhanced relationships with family, and friends old and new, nourishes me: encourages me to express my feelings and allows me to question- what wants to happen? How can I be of service?  I have written- ‘The answers lie within me; knowing I am all there is.’ Changeless and changing, with gratitude in my heart, I am a pilgrim, wandering along the pilgrim path of my life. Identity. Meaning. Purpose. Love.

LIFE IS BUT A  DREAM

Dreaming my life into existence- I am a spiritual being having a human experience(Beckwith) ; my ‘local self’ is but a part of my larger self connected beyond this lifetime and this time and space.In fact, I can sometimes feel that larger presence as I go about my day. I believe that some of my traits have existed over lifetimes- part of my life purpose in this earth plane is to heal old wounds and to feel the freedom of living. Living in light and knowing I am love meets resistance from my ego self who prefers the status quo- with illness and a passive response to life as gatekeepers.  However, I am learning to dream in this lifetime, to feel the power of desire and to marry it with my gifts and talents.  I am not alone; listening to my heart and soul, my intuition and connections with all that is allows me to rehabilitate my emotional self and to speak with one voice; to know myself as a feeling being and to express emotions, beyond fear, connected to circumstances – I am powerful and want my reality to engage with my Self in a co-creative awareness. My pilgrim path through this lifetime allows for recognizing endings and beginnings: the ‘always in the never’ that I can meet with courage and an emerging confidence. My vision for this lifetime unfolds.

Frontiers- question #3

Question: Am I living on the frontier of my life?

Looking at the landscape with new eyes:

I seem to be experiencing internal collisions these days…the old order and newer possibilities, ego and soul conversations. I know I wrote before of body as battleground, but I would not use that terminology now. An excerpt from my journal:

I just need to pay attention(mindful is the word). Putting myself first(self- care is the word)…learning how to look and feel differnet. It is harder to come my way as I am looking outward still for worthiness. My inner landscape is open for occasional tours and dispensation is sought for further exploration. Some roads have been cleared and habitation is possible. There are signposts and the spiral pathways of life have me retracing my steps…that has led to increased understanding- like the board game(Snakes and Ladders)- to move forward to the next challenge. Sometimes those challenges come in waves and I must rest for a few days to explore what they are here to teach me.Eventually I will embark on the next leg of my journey. I have reclaimed a lot of land from my background and am living somewhat differently now. It has meant a new language and culture – learning how to venture into new territory: safety and risk are learning to co-exist. Artifacts abound but I can see more clearly than ever before.

MY journey is unique- each person’s is; however, my decorations and historical routes will will have some similarity to others and are worthy of discussion if we are going to be a community.I am pleased to be making this journey even though I get frustrated. Some parts are more like climbing mountain ranges and others provide more warmth and support than I could have believed. I have longed to find more cleared land and to construct new habitation, even new journeys; I am now understanding that ‘getting there’ is not going to happen. The most I can hope for is a better relationship between my ego and soul and to live past and present simultaneously. What about joy? Bliss?

I am learning that the pilgrimage of my life has many facets and I do not want to skip steps or rely on a guided tour. The voyage has scary moments- both reflective understandings and ventures into uncharted territory- but this path is also reminding me of my worth and value as I make the trip. I will be fine as I continue. The dance steps allow for my integration into the new culture

I wonder what can be next.